how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
