I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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