Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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