her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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