So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
