Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
