whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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