I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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