i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
