my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
