my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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