Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
