Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
