I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
