She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
