hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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