Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
