mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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