I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
