I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
