I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
