Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
