You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
