my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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