I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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