make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
