If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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