is your mom at the bar?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
