Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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