Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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