and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He? As in you personified your dick?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm having to shit out rocks
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