I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
