youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
