its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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