Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
