My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
