At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
