Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's shark week go big or go home
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
