i was rollin on her like bob the builder
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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