i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
