Im at strip club and am horny
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
