he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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