John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
