I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
