just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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