can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
