thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
