It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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