There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
