I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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