I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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