I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
