we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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