My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
