I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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