I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
