u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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