Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
