a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
