hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
